I was a small, queer, closeted, joyous, flamboyant, yet scared kid.
In many ways i still feel like i am closeted, despite the fact that i publicly came out to my family (on more than one occasion, long story), like i am not fully out yet, like there's still something that needs to pop out of my chest and reveal itself to the world.
I remember one time i made a specially flamboyant comment to my family when i was about 7 years old. I was in the car with my parents and i don't remember the context in-conversation, but i remember what i said was very sassy, stereotipically gay even. My dad shut me off, saying it's okay that i liked Hannah Montana, it's okay that i liked butterflies and flowers, it's okay to like what the girls liked but that didn't mean i had to "act like a girl". That i had to cut that off.
That it was annoying. I was annoying.
Part of my queer self died in that moment. Or at the very least it was knocked out, beaten down until it was left unconscious.
Cut to when i was about 11-12 years old. Discovered the internet, started using deviantart, started going to a new school, big changes all around. Obviously. Puberty, starting to feel things.
I was very into Sonic fan animations back then, i remember this one animation of Shadow singing along to Mika's "Love Today". Sassy, dancing and singing. I liked that, i wanted to hear more things like that. Unapologetically, radically queer, even if the lyrics weren't directly gay.
I discovered Mika's discography, downloaded both of his albums (at the time he had only released Life In Cartoon Motion and The Boy Who Knew Too Much) and instantly became obsessed.
He was the enbodyment of my queer self.
I saw on him the small, queer, closeted, joyous, flamboyant, yet scared kid that was beaten down years ago by my father's words; the heteronormative, cisnormative, gender-conforming society's words.
I see myself in the "We Are Golden" music video. I see that thing that wanted (and to a degree, still wants) to pop out of my chest, that last bit of queer essence that didn't come out when i did. I see an anthem, an ode to queer kids that are too scared, that can't be themselves. An ode to queer kids that live in conditions that make it impossible to guarantee their safety if they show their true colors.
Concretely, i see a queer adult. unapologetically queer. flamboyant. childish? maybe, why not. We were denied our childhood, we were shunned.
Seeing queer adults as a kid makes you feel special, like there's hope. One day you'll be that adult, you'll be that guy dancing on his underwear and golden shoes on his messy, colorful room, trying out outfits, costumes, hats, masks, playing with flags, blankets and random decorations. That's what i wanted as a kid at least.
I am now a queer, gender non-conforming adult. I still can't let my true self run free since i still live with my parents, but i find ways to let some of my queerness show. From time to time, i'll wear flowers on my ear, i'll paint my nails, i'll try on a dress when nobody is watching, i'll put on some makeup and take it off after posing a little bit on the mirror. I want to be visible, and i will be visible. I want to nurture the small queer kid that was beaten when i was younger. I want to let him shine.
I was ashamed of liking Mika when i was a kid. I'd pop his albums on my phone and delete them right after i was done listening to them. If one of his songs popped up on the radio i'd try to ignore it as much as possible. If someone asked me if i knew him i'd pretend i didn't want to be like him.
Now, i look back at We Are Golden as an incredibly important piece of my coming-of-identity story. I recognize myself on him, i see a bit of what's left of my closeted queer self on him, dancing and jumping in colorful outfits.
I see him with the same eyes my younger self used.
One day we will all be free to be ourselves.
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